The title of this post is a misnomer, and I feel incredibly clever for doing that. This is about how alone I am, and how I feel about that fact.
I'm free in a way none of you reading this are.
I don't have a role to play. We're all incredible actors, being employees one minute, boyfriends or girlfriends the next, then switching over to sons and daughters when our parents call. Some of us have to be siblings constantly, while others have to be parents. We're slaves to what others think, no matter how rebellious you may think you are.
For the moment, at least, I am not. I am myself in a way that I haven't been in my adult life. I can dress how I want without worrying about what my friends will say, good or bad. I don't have to do or not do things I think my family will approve of. I can play whatever music I want, whenever I want, without either censoring my taste, or inwardly hoping someone will compliment me on it. I can watch what I want, play what I want, and say what I want. I can think, believe, and deny what I want.
Liberty is a concept that used to mean nothing to me. I've always felt that a right not earned isn't truly understood, but it appears that in this small way, I've come a bit closer to truly grasping what that word means. The freedom to act as I choose, even if it's in small, seemingly inconsequential ways, is still one more freedom than the majority of my generation has. First world problems, I know, but problems nonetheless.
The most human contact I have is on Mondays and Wednesdays, when I have class for about four hours. I could have more, if I wanted, but I'm so insanely in awe of this feeling that I've found myself reluctant to shatter the dream. It will happen, either by choice, or by my unfortunate biological urge to procreate, but I'm not in a hurry to stop savoring this utter independence.
That's another aspect I hadn't quite thought of when I wondered what my future would be like. I'm independent. No one pays for my food, shelter, or transportation. I do. Granted, by the time I graduate I'll be in debt big time, but even that thrills me a bit. It's life, pure and unadulterated, and it's better than any coke I ever snorted, and more bitter than any stout liquor I've ever drank.
My heart has never been happier than in this blissful solitude. I've never been more creative, nor have I ever been this clear-minded. There's no friends to distract me, either with their pleasant conversation or companionship, or the drama inherent in any relationships. There's no one to hassle me, bug me, or nag at me to do anything. There's no wasted nights trying to get laid, drunk, or just out of the house. My time is my own, but for the few hours I spend at school or doing homework, and because of this, it's somehow more precious. Everything I do is more vibrant, more present, more intense than any psychedelic I've ever taken.
But that's just me. I'm one of the few people I know, if not the only one, who prefers to be alone. Everyone else has to constantly occupy themselves with things, people, or events; in my opinion too few are complete enough people to find peace in themselves. Perhaps they find peace in action, which I have to assume is an admirable trait. For what it's worth, I wish everyone could experience this before they get too old to.
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